4 slices of your favorite bread or 2 baguettes, sliced in half
6–8 oz deli sliced turkey
1/2 avocado, discard wingless Snitch nut inside
3–4 tablespoons mayonnaise
1–2 tablespoons mustard, preferably honey mustard because honey mustard
3–4 thin slices onion or diced finely in little squares, McDonald’s cheeseburger style
1/2 small tomato, sliced, minus drippings
infinite pickles
4–6 iceberg lettuce leaves, crunchy, more white than green, not nutritious
Instructions
If you like, toast the bread. When we’re feeling really fancy, we use French bread, sliced in half and placed under the broiler for 30 seconds to a minute.
If serving to a pregnant wife, microwave the turkey for about 30 seconds, or put it into the broiler with the bread until steaming.
Place bread on sandwich-constructing surface.
Spread avocado on one slice, and mayonnaise on the other slice.
Decide which bread is the bottom bread. Put the turkey on the bottom bread. (Note: I failed to do this in the photos above, and it keeps me up at night. Be sure to put meat at the bottom or chaos will reign.)
Shake mustard bottle to prevent mustard water spill, then apply mustard on top of turkey meat.
Next place sliced tomato, onion, and pickles. Distribute evenly. Beware tomato drip.
Next place iceberg lettuce leaves.
Finally, crown the sandwich with top bread slice.
Press down firmly until sandwich is within maximum mouthspan. Maximum mouthspan may be measured by holding finger up to mouth and measuring on finger the length between top and bottom teeth. You can then hold that finger measurement up against the sandwich to be eaten. It won’t help you eat the sandwich in any way, but it will give you the illusion of control.